Advice column meme ganked from Lytton and V

[antivanruffles]

Ask any character I've written for advice, and he or she will provide it, advice columnist style. Fictional characters' problems are welcome too.

(And for real go to their LJ's and read their responses, I am dying!!)

Comments

[verisimilitude9.livejournal.com]

Dear Lachlan,

I have this brother who has super-awesome hair (but not as awesome as yours) who nowadays puts too much gooey shite into his hair for me to ruffle it. What should I do to circumvent this problem?

Will you be my brother instead?

-Oldest Sister of Four

***

Dear Sachairi,

So you must sympathize, right?! I met this girl-- absolutely mind-bogglingly gorgeous!-- dark hair, big blue eyes, doesn't seem to smile much but if she did it'd probably knock a fellow flat on his ass, and I have TRIED MY BEST to get her attention. She does not like endearments, she does not like to tell me stuff about her family and what's more, there is this COMPLETELY ANNOYING FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT LIVING AT HER HOUSE who wants in her pants. What if she picks him instead?? I'm a nice guy, ask anyone! I have a lot of friends who are girls and I swear I'm not a sleaze or anything and I really do want to get to know her and I have never fallen so fast so hard for a girl before she's just really interesting and smart and pretty. How do I get her to not hate me? What should I do?? I have never been one of those crappy-with-the-opposite-sex types!! WHAT DO I DO?? They said you'd be able to relate and stuff. Thanks!

-Lovesick

[verisimilitude9.livejournal.com]

To anyone who may possibly relate,

So, I'm a happily married ex-fighter pilot living in a beautiful town with the love of his life. She's pregnant with our first child, and we just found out from the doctor that she's going to be a girl.

Someday there's going to be scumbag males with grabby hands and impure thoughts wanting to put their hands on her. Particularly if she looks anything like her mother. I'm a guy, I know how this works, and unfortunately my wife thinks that deploying my former squadron to drop missiles is overkill. I can't imagine why. But... what advice can you give?

-Expectant Dad

[verisimilitude9.livejournal.com]

Dear Carmichael Sisters,

I was told that all of you could relate. This guy that I like is sort of a girl-magnet. Not even nice girls-- it'd be okay (well, not okay, but at least less horrid) if he just attracted intelligent, decent females whom I could respect. But he attracts all sorts of slutty brainless bints like sugar water draws flies! It's not really necessarily on purpose, but he has really pretty eyes and is super nice and understanding and patient and wonderful. And he thinks of me as a FRIEND. ARGH.

What's the best way to go about this situation?

-Irked in M.B.

[venusorbit1.livejournal.com]

Dear Four-year-old Lachlan:

I bit into what I thought was a chocolate-chip cookie, and it turns out the chocolate chips were actually RAISINS. I feel this may have affected me negatively for life, and now I think all cookies are harboring this terrible secret. How can I move on?

Signed,
Wants to enjoy a cookie again

[mrcrybrilliance.livejournal.com]

Dear Ailsa,

I have a lot of work that I need to get done, but my significant other tends to be rather distracting. The long blonde hair just demands to have fingers ran through it, or she'll just play on the piano and sing. I'll be trying to look over case files from the hospital, but she'll want to cuddle. How do I let her know that I want to spend time with her, but I need to get work done and cannot always leave it at the hospital?

Sincerely,
This-is-not-a-problem-I-ever-thought-I'd-have

[mrcrybrilliance.livejournal.com]

Dear Addie,

Do you ever feel like you have to live up to your mother's standard?

I sometimes feel like a disappointment, though my parents never express any such; I just know that I'm nowhere near as smart as my mother.

-Life-in-Shadow

[venusorbit1.livejournal.com]

Dear Highlanders:

Have you ever tried trousers? What are your thoughts on these leg-shoes?