antivanruffles | Advice column meme ganked from Lytton and V

Dear Lachlan,

I have this brother who has super-awesome hair (but not as awesome as yours) who nowadays puts too much gooey shite into his hair for me to ruffle it. What should I do to circumvent this problem?

Will you be my brother instead?

-Oldest Sister of Four

***

Dear Sachairi,

So you must sympathize, right?! I met this girl-- absolutely mind-bogglingly gorgeous!-- dark hair, big blue eyes, doesn't seem to smile much but if she did it'd probably knock a fellow flat on his ass, and I have TRIED MY BEST to get her attention. She does not like endearments, she does not like to tell me stuff about her family and what's more, there is this COMPLETELY ANNOYING FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT LIVING AT HER HOUSE who wants in her pants. What if she picks him instead?? I'm a nice guy, ask anyone! I have a lot of friends who are girls and I swear I'm not a sleaze or anything and I really do want to get to know her and ~~I have never fallen so fast so hard for a girl before~~ she's just really interesting and smart and pretty. How do I get her to not hate me? What should I do?? I have never been one of those crappy-with-the-opposite-sex types!! WHAT DO I DO?? They said you'd be able to relate and stuff. Thanks!

-Lovesick

Dear, Oldest.

Of course I'll be yer brother, I have plenty of experience. And from what I understand yer an excellent cook!

But now fer problem with yer real brother; I would say ye should switch his gooey shite with Nair, then he'll learn that he should just go natural. It'll take some time before ye can ruffle it again, but it'll be worth it in the end. Also it might make him think twice about being a preening fop like Jackson.

All my best, Lachlan.

Dear Lovesick,

I know exactly how ye feel!! You meet a beautiful girl on the moors and she's just the most perfect thing but ye can't have her or if ye are lucky enough to get her, she won't have ye. AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON FOREIGN MEN!

The answer is quite clear though, ye must get a large knife and threaten this man. Make sure he knows what's what and send him packing back to his homeland. As fer yer lass, just be patient. I know it's hard, but it's the best thing for lasses like yers.

Trust me it'll be fair worth it in the end, lad.

Best of luck,
Sachairi

To anyone who may possibly relate,

So, I'm a happily married ex-fighter pilot living in a beautiful town with the love of his life. She's pregnant with our first child, and we just found out from the doctor that she's going to be a girl.

Someday there's going to be scumbag males with grabby hands and impure thoughts wanting to put their hands on her. Particularly if she looks anything like her mother. I'm a guy, I know how this works, and unfortunately my wife thinks that deploying my former squadron to drop missiles is overkill. I can't imagine why. But... what advice can you give?

-Expectant Dad

Dear Expectant Dad,

As ye may well imagine yer letter was met with an overwhelming amount of feedback from our many columnists. After much deliberation from various sources we have come up with a few suggestions to yer problem.

1) Locking in her away (this seemed to be the general consensus which is why it's number one).

2) When yer beautiful wife finds that to be going over board (which she unfortunately will) we suggest invoking strict guidelines; curfew, age that she may date, etc. We thought about banning her from dating all together, but again the beautiful wife will probably take offense.

3) Keep lots of large knifes, swords, and guns in plain view of any potential males that come calling. Also, as you are a military man, we think it be best if ye wear yer uniform at all times.

4) Make sure yer large military friends are always around as well.

5) Make sure yer friends are wearing uniforms and carrying weaponry as well.

On a more personal note; if any of these potential suitors are Irish, I suggest ye just kill them straight off and be done with it.

Sincerely,
Kenzie, etal.

Dear Carmichael Sisters,

I was told that all of you could relate. This guy that I like is sort of a girl-magnet. Not even nice girls-- it'd be okay (well, not okay, but at least less horrid) if he just attracted intelligent, decent females whom I could respect. But he attracts all sorts of slutty brainless bints like sugar water draws flies! It's not really necessarily on purpose, but he has really pretty eyes and is super nice and understanding and patient and wonderful. And he thinks of me as a FRIEND. ARGH.

What's the best way to go about this situation?

-Irked in M.B.

Dear Irked,

I know exactly what you're going through and I bet he's totally clueless as to the fact that he attracts such wanton hussies! You need to get his attention. There are various ways to go about it, I myself recommend picking fights. Then his whole focus will be on you, and if the fight goes really well, he'll still be thinking about you later.

- Sadie.

Dear, Irked.

I think it best if you ignore Sadie.. as she is a touch illogical at times.

I find the best thing is to be yourself. If he can't see what a wonderful girl you are, then he doesn't deserve you. That said it won't hurt if you show off some of your best features around him. Great arms and back? Wear a halter top! Got legs for miles? Hello mini skirt! Or the plunging neckline if you're well endowed.

Kind regards,
Skye

Dear Irked,

While I believe my sisters have given some.. uh, worthwhile advice, if I may add my own to the mix?
I think making him take notice of you and being yourself are very important, but you must go about it the right way. Fighting is not the answer, especially he if as a sweet as you describe. I would say chances are that he's quite aware that you're a girl (let's face it men are men) and I'm sure he's taken notice of your womanly features more than once.

My best advice is to just talk to him, don't let the chance at love slip you by. Things might be awkward if he doesn't return your feelings, but you owe it to yourself (and to him) to see if you might have something.

Best of Luck,
Seren.

Dear Four-year-old Lachlan:

I bit into what I thought was a chocolate-chip cookie, and it turns out the chocolate chips were actually RAISINS. I feel this may have affected me negatively for life, and now I think all cookies are harboring this terrible secret. How can I move on?

Signed,
Wants to enjoy a cookie again

Hi Cookie!!!

EAT MORE COOKIES! They make everything better. But touch the black things first to see if they squish... if they do they're a raisin.

LOVE LACHLAN!

Dear Ailsa,

I have a lot of work that I need to get done, but my significant other tends to be rather distracting. The long blonde hair just demands to have fingers ran through it, or she'll just play on the piano and sing. I'll be trying to look over case files from the hospital, but she'll want to cuddle. How do I let her know that I want to spend time with her, but I need to get work done and cannot always leave it at the hospital?

Sincerely,
This-is-not-a-problem-I-ever-thought-I'd-have

Dear This Is Not,

*sigh* I know this problem all too well. It sounds as if your partner is quite charming, which doesn't really help matters as I'm sure that she can talk you into about anything.

You really must be firm with your partner, I know it will be difficult dealing with the puppy dog eyes and pouting, but it'll be for the best. The most important thing is that while being firm you assure your partner than you would love to spend time with her, it's just that your work is important too (and deep down I'm sure she knows this). Also when you finish with your work seek her out and spend some quality time with her. Then you'll both be quite happy.

Best regards,
Ailsa

Dear Addie,

Do you ever feel like you have to live up to your mother's standard?

I sometimes feel like a disappointment, though my parents never express any such; I just know that I'm nowhere near as smart as my mother.

-Life-in-Shadow

Dear Life in Shadow,

Never, ever feel like you're a disappointment! You can only be the best that you are and I'm sure you're parents know this and love you without question! And please keep in mind that you are not your mother (lord knows I am not mine) and that you don't have to have the same standards.

Find something you love and are passionate about and I'm sure your mother will be thrilled!

Keep your chin up!!
- Addie

Dear Highlanders:

Have you ever tried trousers? What are your thoughts on these leg-shoes?

Dear Lass,

Trousers are verra.... restricting. We do not appreciate them.

Signed,
The Men of Castle Dunvengan.

Advice column meme ganked from Lytton and V

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject